Flesh Eating Mothers (1988)

A venereal disease turns an entire town of two-timing mothers into cannibals! 

Flesh Eating Mothers is one of the worst horror movies ever written, directed, and acted.  It's also a great movie if you love bad movies.  There's one bad line after another to make you laugh out loud. It's full of crazy shit. 

The story revolves around a group of mothers that turn into cannibals due to a virus caused by adultery. The only ones that assemble to stop them are the teenage children of the mothers, along with help from a goofball doctor.  They check out the virus under a microscope and it's a fucking cartoon.  It has some great lines.  One girl yells at her mom for eating her boyfriend, saying "thanks a lot mom, that was my date to the prom!"  And "I came home and I saw my mom, eating my baby brother!" 

Little Jimmy had a bad day.

 This movie had to be purposely made bad.  "Flesh Eating Mothers" is a nice and tacky time-waster with cheesy gore effects that are explicit but nevertheless too absurd to shock anyone.  Co-written, co-produced and directed by the extremely untalented James Aviles Martin.  Watch it, if you have a wretched sense of humor! 

What are we supposed to do? Stay here and have our asses chewed out by our mothers?

Mom Always Said "No Snacks Between Meals," But What If You Were The Next Meal?

Fantastic dialogue:
Guy: "So what's eating you?"
Girl: "I saw my father kissing a strange woman, I mean he had his hands all over her"
Guy: "That's pretty bad."
Girl: "Not as bad as seeing my mom eat my baby brother!"
Guy: .......
Girl: "No, no, I'm serious. I saw my mother eating my baby brother."

They bit off more than they could chew!

Curse Of The Swamp Creature (1966)

Deep in the rural swamps of Texas the insane Dr. Simond Trent is conducting experiments on the local swamp people in an attempt to discover the secret of evolution. When a party of oil surveyors comes upon his isolated laboratory he decides to take the final step and turn one of them into a grotesque amphibious creature.

Curse of the Swamp Creature is a 1966 American film directed by Larry Buchanan.  It is a movie where Buchanan proved that he was a master of suspense and horror much like Hitchcock.  Naw...I'm just kidding.  This is one of the worst movies ever created.  The only reason to watch this movie is for the huge amount of laughs you will get.  Much like "Plan 9 From Outer Space" this film is so bad it's good. The performances are bad...alligators hanging out in swimming pools...people doing voodoo dances to curse the mad doctor....a deaf mute girl pushes a guy into the water and somehow it becomes quicksand.  I could go on and on.  Oh and the film also has John Agar...who obviously was intoxicated when he agreed to sign on for this film.

The only view you get of the creature until the final 3 minutes of the film.

The story is as follows.....a group heads into the swamp looking for oil.  They trek through deep marsh after the boat can no longer go on.  They eventually stumble on a mad doctor's house and he's experimenting with creating a man-phibian.  Somehow the doctor has a manicured lawn, swimming pools and a mansion deep in the swamp.  And he finally succeeds in creating his creature, who appears for a couple minutes to wrap up the film and jumps in the pool to get eaten by alligators.  True terror.  And somehow this goofy doctor has a smoking hot wife.  He must have a pecker the size of a large cucumber.

The face of horror

 This movie won't be for everybody.  In fact, it won't be for 95% of Earth's population.  But for those that love shitty movies that are so horrifically bad this is a gold mine.

Son, you're close to being alligator food.

Quotes:
Tom: Doctor, I was thinking... just the work that you've done with the crocodiles and taking them back along the evolutionary path and making them into fish would be enough to win you world acclaim.
Dr. Simond Trent: Yes, but acclaim... that's nothing. To create life, to move it up and down the evolutionary path... that's something. Something I don't you quite appreciate, Tom.

Dr. Simond Trent: You’re ready. Awake! The sound of my voice is your master!  Get up! Get up! The world awaits you as my first citizen!

Dr. Simond Trent:  Well, Tom – at last you’re going to make a contribution to science! Everyone has his place in the field of research. Tom? Tom, are you listening? Nod your head if you are! You'’e doing fine -–fine! You’re strong. You can stay under water indefinitely. You’re almost bulletproof! I’m envious of you, Tom! Hmm? Are you hungry? How clumsy of me! Let me get you a snack! [He hands ‘Tom’ a turtle] Here, boy! Here!

  

Dr. Simond Trent:  You’re ready to come off the preserver, and make your debut – my beautiful, indestructible fishman!

Scientist:  How can you look for oil without equipment – seismographs, drilling equipment?
Geologist:  Well – it’s not easy.

I can see everything clearly through these glasses.

Frankenstein's Daughter (1958)

Frankenstein's Daughter was produced by Marc Frederic and directed by Richard E. Cunha.  They gloriously made a very distinct film.  Donald Murphy stars as Oliver Frank...the grandson of Victor Frankenstein.  He lives in a house with Dr. Carter Morton (Felix Locher) and his niece Trudy (Sandra Knight).  Dr. Frank is not happy with just helping Dr. Morton....he has his own little experiments happening on the side.

This movie has Dr. Frank up to some zany shit.  He starts out by giving a mysterious potion to Trudy because he's pissed off that she won't give in to his advances.  She transforms into a bushy eyed monster that runs around town scaring folks while in her bathing suit.  But that's not his main goal.  His main goal is to bring to life a female monster because...."The brain of a female is conditioned to a man's world, therefore it takes orders."   Oh and he succeeds.  The monster awakens, tears the door down and goes out and kills someone.  But it's nice enough to knock when it comes back to the lab.  Regardless of looks, we know it's female because it has lipstick smeared across it's face. 

I'm conditioned to take orders.

Not only do we have terror galore but we get a party scene to cheer things up with Harold Lloyd Jr (backed by Paige Cavanaugh) and they sing "Special Date" and "Daddy Bird".  "Shaba-labba-lop, bobba-lobba lobba-lop"  Not only do we have some rocking tunes, we also have a playmate in this film.  Suzie (played by February 1957 Playmate, Sally Todd).  She's pissed because Trudy stole her boyfriend and goes off on a date with Dr. Frank.  But when she won't spread for the good doctor, she hops out of the car.  Mistake....Frank runs her over for monster parts.

This is not the playmate.

 This a bad movie....but it falls into the category of drink some beers and laugh out loud bad.

Trivia:
The full monster make-up was actually being worn by a man, Harry Wilson. Because of this, makeup creator Harry Thomas did not realize that the creature was supposed to be female. All he could do at the last minute was apply lipstick to the creature.

Director Richard E. Cunha recently recalled that, upon seeing the make-up for the title creature just before filming, he was so disappointed he left the set and broke down in tears. 

The exteriors of the house were shot at the home of producer Marc Frederic.


This film is listed among The 100 Most Amusingly Bad Movies Ever Made in Golden Raspberry Award founder John Wilson's book THE OFFICIAL RAZZIE® MOVIE GUIDE.

Completed in May 1958, the last Frankenstein film made during the 1950's.

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Blackenstein (1973)

Eddie is a Vietnam veteran who loses his arms and legs when he steps on a land mine, but a brilliant surgeon is able to attach new limbs. Unfortunately an insanely jealous assistant (who has fallen in love with Eddie's fiance) switches Eddie's DNA injections, transforming him into a gigantic killer.

It's Blackenstein and to stop this mutha takes one bad brutha.  He's no jive turkey.  This film was created after the success of Blacula.  The film is awful.  Not even Dr. Frankenstein himself could bring this dud of a film to life. The only film worse in human history is "Orgy Of The Dead".  

The film was directed by William A. Levey and he throws every mad scientist/Frankenstein cliche that he can possibly think of.  The film takes place in Los Angeles.  I've been there many times and never witnessed a thunder storm....but somehow they have huge thunderstorms nightly in this film.  There are bubbling cauldrons in the lab, electric flashes everywhere.  But right smack dab in the middle of the film we have a comedian telling some corny ass jokes about a talking dog.  We get terrifying spooky music as characters walk leisurely from place to place with no action happening at all.  Somehow Blackenstein can escape the house at night, kill some folks and get back by morning without anyone noticing...not even Dr. Stein.  (Yes that is really the good doctor's name)

What you talking bout Blackenstein?

 But as bad as all of the above is, the worst is the acting.  I defy you to find a film with worse acting. I don't think any of these actors ever worked again. Joe De Sue delivers some of the most emotionless lines I've ever heard before he turns into a bloated Gary Coleman looking monster.  What you talking bout Blackenstein?  I'm talking about the sets being cheap, the lighting terrible and a five minute long shot of Blackenstein leaving the castle with his arms outstretched.

You can't shoot Blackenstein son.....

For some reason Blackenstein takes out his victims intestines and eats them.  Dr. Stein must not be feeding him properly. Some films fall into the "so bad it's good" category.  This one is borderline.  You might have to smoke a couple joints and pop some pills to make it through this one with good spirits.  The ending really does go to the dogs.  If you must see it for yourself, check out Netflix.  It's there.


Trivia:
The set used for Dr. Stein's lab uses items from Universal's original Frankenstein

Eddie's arms and legs were blown off by a land mine. When he is unloaded from the ambulance at Dr. Stein's home, his legs and feet are clearly visible underneath the sheet.

NOOOOOOOO...I don't want to be in this movie.

Orgy Of The Dead (1965)

I am Criswell. For years, I have told the almost unbelievable, related the unreal and showed it to be more than a fact. Now I tell a tale of the threshold people, so astounding that some of you may faint. This is a story of those in the twilight time. Once human, now monsters, in a void between the living and the dead. Monsters to be pitied, monsters to be despised. A night with the ghouls, the ghouls reborn from the innermost depths of the world.

Very rarely does a film come along that chills you to the bone.  A film that actually makes you sleep with the lights on. A film that makes you shit and piss in your pants.  This is not that film. In fact, you may be contemplating suicide after 30 minutes into the film to make it stop. 

Orgy of the Dead is an unrated 1965 film directed by Stephen C. Apostolof under the alias A. C. Stephen. The screenplay was adapted by cult film director Edward D. Wood, Jr from his own novel.  (Novel????  How in the blue hell was this story a novel?  I must find that novel....it has to be about 4 pages long.)

The film begins with a young couple, Bob (William Bates) and Shirley (Pat Barringer), driving to a cemetery so Bob can get some ideas for a horror story.  He is tired of writing dog stories.  Bob makes the unfortunate mistake of trying to turn the car around too fast and they crash.  The couple awake and head to the cemetery after hearing weird music playing there.  But it's a death party as Emperor Ghoul (Criswell) and the Black Ghoul (Fawn Silver) are watching over a dance-off for your soul exhibition. That's all folks.....we are then treated to 10 fucking topless women dancing to shitty music over the next 80 minutes.  Don't believe me?  Here is a list of them all....don't expect Solid Gold or Soul Train dancers here.  Gold Girl Dance, Hawaiian Dance, Skeleton Dance, Indian Dance, Slave Dance, Street Walker Dance, Cat Dance, Fluff Dance, Mexican Dance, Zombie Dance.
Just when you're about to cut your wrist, Wolfman and Mummy show up.

Wolfman and Mummy enjoy good exotic dancing.

 But they don't dance....hell no.  Mummy instead gives us his view on snakes.

Mummy:  I don't like snakes. I remember the one Cleopatra used. Cute little rascal until it flicked out that red tongue, and those two sharp fangs.  You'd never think such a little thing packed such a big wallop. We had lots of snakes in my ancient Egypt...slimy slinky things.

After 10 horrible nude dances, the sun comes up and all the ghouls disappear. The End. Words cannot express how bad this film is.  I enjoy bad movies for amusement but this is going to far. I would much rather spend my afternoon getting a root canal than having to suffer the torment of the damned watching this movie again.

You will be tortured....watch these dancers.

Trivia:  
The film based on the novel by Edward D. Wood Jr. has no werewolf character, like in the film. Wood received $600 for the novel.

Most prints of the film have someone's fingerprint on the negative during the opening credits. It's visible for only a frame, so, when the credits play, it is only seen long enough to register that something went by, but not what. Frame by frame slow down and then still reveals it's, most likely, a print from a thumb.

The cape worn by Criswell as The Emperor is the same cape worn by Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula in Bud Abbott Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein.

This film is listed among The 100 Most Amusingly Bad Movies Ever Made in Golden Raspberry Award founder John Wilson's book THE OFFICIAL RAZZIE® MOVIE GUIDE.

Torture, torture! It pleasures me! More Gold....A pussycat is born to be whipped.

Apollo 18 (2011)

Let's Rock N Roll

The film involves decades-old found footage from NASA's abandoned Apollo 18 mission, where two American astronauts were sent on a secret expedition and reveals the reason the U.S. has never returned to the moon.

It's been almost 3 whole months since my last review.....but this film prompted me to launch myself to the computer and get a review out.  Ladies and Gents....this film reveals why the U.S. never returned to the moon.  That's right....small killer rocks that are alive ruined that shit for us.  I really can't put into words how much I was disappointed in this movie. I love found footage movies but this one had trouble. For one, it's hard to get heart pounding action with two guys bouncing around on the moon in slow motion trying to just walk.  And the characters actually weren't very likable. I actually like the idea and premise from this film but something is off and it seemed much longer than the 90 minutes it ran. In fact, all prints of this movie should be rocketed to the moon. And you can add your own jokes for some of the dialogue in the movie....see below

Nate: Get it out. It's so cold. Get it out, Ben. Get it out, get it out! Damn it Ben get it out!

Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

 A couple of things can be learned from this film though.  Aliens like to steal flags and if you are going on a top secret, hush, hush mission, take along a movie camera with enough film to record the entire trip. I am being a bit harsh but if you have other options to watch than I would recommend the other options. The film was directed by López-Gallego's and is his first English-language film.

Trivia:

The opening scenes introducing the three main characters was the last stuff shot for the movie

This film has no score.

This film was shot using old camera lenses from the 70s.

The after effects of viewing this film......