Dracula 3000 (2004)

Count Dracula terrorizes the crew of a spaceship.

Dracula 3000, also titled Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness, is a television horror movie released in 2004 that brings Bram Stoker's fictional vampire Count Dracula into outer space in the distant 30th century. 

The undead discover a new home in the far reaches of space in this blend of science fiction, action, and horror. In the year 3000 A.D., the crew of a commercial space freighter happens upon the wreckage of the Demeter, a massive space ship that has been missing for nearly a century. Aware that there's a substantial bounty being offered for the return of the ship's cargo, the freighter's crew begin exploring the Demeter to see what remains, and they discover that the ship's hold includes a large cache of black coffins. However, the real surprise lurks inside the coffins -- a gang of vampires, taking advantage of the darkness of deep space, have taken refuge in the Demeter's payload, and they soon begin attacking those who have discovered them. Can the freighter's crew keep the menace at bay until the ship's orbit takes them into the path of the sun? Dracula 3000 includes a stellar exploitation cast, including Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio, Tommy "Tiny" Lister Jr., and a special guest appearance from Udo Kier. 

In space, the sun never rises.

What we have here could quite possibly be the worst vampire film ever made.  When Tiny Lister is allowed to deliver 80% of the dialogue you know that you're in for a long 90 minutes. There may not be a word in the English language that describes how horrible this film is.  How does a movie like this make it anywhere? It should not be distributed nor watched.

And there's Coolio.  You know the rapper from Compton with the big hit, "Gangsta's Paradise".  His acting is so bad it makes Kevin Hart look like Sir Lawrence Olivier.  And guess what, he loves pot. They stereotype even in the year 3000.  

My anaconda likes your Snow White ass

 The name of the movie is Dracula 3000....so let's name the vampire Orlock.  What the fuck?  And guess what....there's a planet inhabited by vampires.  What do you think it's called?  Transylvania of course. I think the script was written by a 5th grader for a writing project.  And the vampire planet is in the Carpathian solar system. The dialogue is so bad that I had to include some examples at the bottom. 

And how would such a fantastic film like this end.  Tiny and the blonde android are heading toward the sun to certain death.  Do they panic?  No.  He bangs her as they plunge to their death.  There are worse ways to go I guess. 

Tiny's going to get some android pussy.

I can not warn you enough to stay away from this movie.  After you awake from your coma and go through therapy, you may not want to watch movies ever again.  I didn't even mention Dracula...oh excuse me, Orlock.  He's a middle aged nerd with a cape and a collar that came right out of the 70's.  It's the year 3000....update your wardrobe dude. 

Staying Alive....Staying Alive

Trivia & Quotes:

The "Mother III" is actually a re-use of the slingship from the short lived 1993 TV series Space Rangers (1993)

Quotes:

Humvee: "All that bloodsuckin', that's some white people shit".

187: "I want to watch my anaconda spit all over your snow white ass"

187: "Did I ever tell you how many times I'd see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas... All the times I stayed up late, high as a kite, in the non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda, and dreamed about your snow-white ass"

Capt. Abraham Van Helsing: "He's after Aurora, he wants to kill her!"
Arthur "The Professor" Holmwood: "But I believe he said he wants to tittie fuck her first"